I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
