i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We had sex on a dog bed..
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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