Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
