Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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