Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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