In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Found the puke drawer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
