Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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