If that was your dad, he is hot
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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