why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
