My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
