I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
