So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
