wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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