Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
