Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
