Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
