Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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