Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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