An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
