I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
