Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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