dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
