No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
