I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
