My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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