Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My balls are so social today.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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