My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
