I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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