what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
