remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
