I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
