After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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