I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sext me about skeletons
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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