I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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