My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
