They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
