she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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