Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
