Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
