i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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