I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
