So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
