So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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