Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
