Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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