your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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