Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
