You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
