Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
