I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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