I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
