I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
