If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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