Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
