Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
