no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
