I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
