You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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