if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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