toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
