Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
