How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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