Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
